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Dating to Marriage – Cliff Notes

Dating can be complicated, comparative, competitive, and very confusing. Yet, in the circus we call dating, there is purpose. God has a plan to help us define and refine ourselves. Here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned in the process.

  • If you want to marry well:
  • We don’t marry perfection, we marry potential
    • Learn Everything you can about each other
    • Choose to marry the type of parent and heritage you want to leave elder Eyring April 2016 priesthood session
    • Have you observed one another under stress, responding to success and failure, resisting anger, and dealing with setbacks?
    • “The destroyer of a great marriage is the dream/illusion of a perfect one (or a perfect partner).” spencer
    • https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/meeting-the-challenges-of-todays-world?lang=eng
    • “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you surely don’t deserve me at my best.” Marilyn Monroe
    • The dreams or ghost of future spouse aren’t always right. Be sure to check:
      • Spirituality, personality, reality
    • You can’t be moved by what you see now… God isn’t finished yet… Look at where you came from… If he did it once he can do it again” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQkNOOICY_0
    • Who do you want to become (and your kids)?
      • Abraham Lincoln could have married Ann Rutledge and be happy but he wouldn’t become president. Mary Todd pushed him. Abraham the Unknown, pg. 87
      • Does her/your current habits lead you to your goals?
  • Have patience
    • It’s dangerous to focus on one thing, at the exclusion of others.
      • Playing one key on the piano is boring and ugly
      • Marriage isn’t just one thing (sex or kids) neither should dating be
    • Patience is doing something else in the meantime
      • Develop your talents, self, hobbies, travel,
    • “Let us run the race that is set before us…” Paul crawl, walk, run
    • “The worth of souls (singles) is great in the sight of God”
    • Tough to balance long-term purpose/goal which seems unobtainable and short-term actions that aren’t successful or enjoyable
    • Remember marriage isn’t the end goal of success http://www.relrules.com/7-reasons-why-marriage-is-not-the-goal-of-successful-relationship/ Eternal increase is
    • Maintain your faith and vision in eternal marriage
      • It may seem like a desert, but the Lord “will cause [us] to bring forth as a very fruitful tree which is planted in a goodly land, by a pure stream, that yieldeth much precious fruit” (D&C 97:8–9)
      • The desert shall blossom as a rose
    • Wait on your Boaz (see below)
  • Get away from instant gratification
  • Don’t take the worlds advice, problems, trends, or drama
    • https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng
    • I don’t want your hand (or lips) unless I have your heart
    • Don’t get wrapped in the cultural (church) emotions of singles. Dark, desperate,
    • Dating is like having two job interviews at the same time over salad and you loose before the main course
    • Bruce R. Mcconkie, “eternal marriage” – how long do you want it to last is the main question to ask?
    • We have a crisis of imagination- anticipation
      • Crisis of marriage/dating is a crisis of imagination
        • See “The secret to desire in a long-term relationship”
        • experience everything without another
          • Sexless selfishness as an antidote
      • “…sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival.” C.S. Lewis
  • Put their interest above all others
    • “When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as one’s own satisfaction and security then the state of love exists.”
    • https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1984/04/marriage-and-divorce?lang=eng#watch=video
    • Tell (show) her why you love her, not how much
    • Marriage isn’t for you !!! https://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you
    • True love is found in the affirmation of another person’s identity and stewardship in seeking his or her growth and good, in interpreting all the other persons responses in terms of one’s own needs hungers or desires.
      • The Divine center, pg 97
  • Date with a purpose
    • Doesn’t have to be serious but purposeful
      • Different dates, places, people: mix it up, get uncomfortable
      • Ask serious questions (at the right time)
      • Don’t just date for fun, even in your 20’s
      • Don’t not date. If you’re not interested in anyone around still date, don’t get rusty
        • “Your biological clock is ticking.” Stephanie on Dr. Phil
        • But eternity delivers everything to the faithfully patient
      • Keep going. Despair, doubt, disappointment, no desire or motivation are the tools of satan
      • Three reason they don’t marry – delayed, distracted, disqualified from temple marriage. Elaine Dalton
    • Cast your bread upon the waters and it will come back a sandwich
    • Dating 3 P’s planned, paired off, paid for
    • Courtship 3 P’s passion, purpose, planning, pursuing, performance
    • Don’t just date to do things, but court and count down to marriage
  • Live worthy of the girl and gift of discernment 
    • Both of which you need
    • Be alone, but be wise, set rules
    • Be open and completely honest (time)
      • You can’t be wrong with God and right with your girl
      • Don’t need to divulge age or air your dirty laundry when you first meet, milk before meat.
    • Overcoming the natural man helps us overcome the single man. Put off the ways of the world and becometh a married man. 3-8-16
  • Make a decision
    • Choose your love, love your choice, there isn’t just one
    • Take advice but NOT decisions from others
    • “What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels?” Ether
    • Abraham Lincoln pros, cons list
    • Advice from parents and friends should be taken into careful consideration but remember anything free is worth what you pay for it
      • Do you want to follow your earthly father or your Heavenly Father? Story from Bishop Webb of man in temple ready to break if off, holding hand of mom not bride
    • Falling in love is easy, staying in love is work
  • Ask God if it ( your decision) is right
    • “You must study it out in your mind…” “Ye took no thought save it was to ask…” D&C 9
      • Planting precedes harvesting
    • Don’t expect a powerful manifestation or miracle “seeking the spirit” pg. 15
      • “He that seeketh signs shall see signs, but not unto salvation.” D&C 63
    • See “A true and significant love” 12 Points to Marriage
    • God gives confirmation and correction nor direct direction
      • No blank slates or tablets
    • Have you asked (specific to your choice) or just inquired (curious)? sw
      • “If you want to receive revelation do your homework!” Harold B. Lee
      • “Settle these thing in your mind…”
  • Characteristics to consider? (Marcelo Surjopolis)
    • 1. Attracted to each other
      2. Enjoy spending time together. Same energy level
      3. Can picture them never leaving the church
      4. Both humble, willing to change, learn and grow together (teachable)
    • Three Key Traits – LDS Match Maker
      • Personal Responsibility
      • Impulse control
      • Empathy
    • https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/11-ways-tell-if-your-lover-loves-you
  • Define the Relationship – DTR
    • Don’t talk about it without attempting or implementing life-saving measures
    • Don’t talk about everything at once – overwhelming
    • It must be positive

Wait on your Boaz
Biblical advice: ‘Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz.’ While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don’t settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin, Beatinyo-az… Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz.” A-MEN

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